A stained and faded page of A4 paper, sloppily printed with monospace purple text. The logo and a header reading “Last Resort News Report” are printed at a different angle from the rest of the text.
Body text:
July 9th
Hi everyone! Jack’s still recovering from the welcome home party, so I found his typewriter and I’ll do my best. Hopefully his hangover wears off before the next issue, this thing is really hard to use. Times like this I’m really glad to be Muslim. Anyway, we got back two days ago. Was really sad to hear about the Russell Jacks. I guess that sad news is why everyone partied so hard when we came back with good news.
So we were gone for a while, and I want to explain that, then tell you a little about what we found.
First of, Tutukaka is still a fair walk away, even if it’s not quite Russell, and we were carrying some heavy tools. So we took it easy and hunted and gathered along the way and it took us a couple of weeks to get there. Most of the town has been burned down, but the marina was fine so we got stuck in.
First we found the old sailing school, which had a lot of little boats. Some are called optimists, they’re like square bathtubs with sails, we figured them out no sweat. But we had more trouble with the topaz, because every one we found didn’t have any back to it, which didn’t seem safe. We spent almost a week sorting through everything trying to find the back of these boats, and found lots of fun stuff like fishing line and breath tanks. We even tried just making some with some planking, and ended up breaking one of the boats. Eventually we found a picture and figured out that they’re just like that and they still float just fine like that.
After that we had to pick a bigger boat to sail back, since those dinky little things were going to be useful but there was no way we were going to get all the way back in them. All the boats in the water had sunk over the years, so we found some that were out of the water. Two of them were in a big shed, and they were the best, so we worked on getting them going and finding a way to get them in the water. That took a couple more weeks all up.
Once they were in the water we realised we had to learn how to sail, so we took the little boats out. Guys, it’s actually really easy to sail, but it’s not just raising your sails and letting the wind do the work. We had some books from the sailing school, so that helped.
Once we were sure we could sail well enough to get home, we loaded up and sailed home. That took us way longer than it should have, too, but we wanted to be careful and there was lots of good hunting along the way.
And then we got back here and everyone went crazy and now you’re all hungover. There’s a note here that the next thing to do is to get more fruit trees planted, seedlings are in the usual place.
Illustration: three poorly-drawn sailboats.