A dirty and stained A4 sheet of paper, printed with purple images and text in a mono space font, including crossed out spelling mistakes. A logo including a sun, with an ocean wave cresting inside it, in a shape vaguely reminiscent of a tongue ringed by sharp teeth. A large headline reading Last Resort News Report with the tagline Where Else Would You Want To Go and the date June 19th, with the year obscured by a blotch but obviously in the 21st century.
First column: All caps headline reading New News. Welcome to the new and improved Last Resort News Report! Sure, the last version was just Jane knocking on everyone’s door and telling them what’s up, but you have to admit this was a huge improvement!
We’ve been putting this together over the last few months, and now that the harvest is done and we have some free time, we’ve decided now is the perfect time to launch. From now on we’ll be publishing biweekly, or fortnightly. Every two weeks. News, tips, opinion columns, and anything else the community needs to know. If you have ideas for features, don’t hesitate to reach out!
Special thanks to Rob, who found the tattoo parlour with the special sheets we need to make the printer work, Erika, for repairing the printer, and Eli for providing us with the alcohol for printing!
Second column: All caps headline reading Spirit Stickyfingers. On that note, Eli would like to remind everyone that he’s got a selection of drinking alcohols he’s quite proud of, available on request, and that the 180 proof stuff is for medical and printing use ONLY. While he is of course aware that everyone deals with living in a post-apocalyptic commune differently, that stuff will make you go blind and you won’t even remember drinking it. Stick to the whiskey, it’s great!
A cute cartoon of a long cat with many pairs of legs, with the handwritten caption: “Carrie the Catipede says: I want to devour your warm innards!”
Second page: Two columns of monospaced purple text, above a hand drawn invitation taking up the bottom third of the page, in the same condition as the first page.
First column: All caps headline reading Harvest Hop A Hit. This year’s harvest hangi and dance went off without a hitch, and an awesome time was had by all. The Singing Singhs put on a stellar performance, and the jam jar orchestra lent a raucous air to the proceedings.
A particular hit at the table was the mini mammoth, a welcome side effect of their late season incursion onto the turnip fields of the 16th plot. Eli’s new apple wine also made an impression on the party, especially the next morning!
The highlight of the evening was of course the news that we’ve got twice the surplus that we had last year, a comfortable margin for the winter months, and surely a reason to kick our shoes off and relax for a few months!
Second column: All caps headline reading Lonely Hearts. Another consequence of the harvest dance was the attention drawn to the many people in our community who remain single. While it’s a fine choice if you prefer it, some awkwardness on the dance floor made it clear that many of you are not just single, but ready to mingle!
With that in mind, the social council has decided that in four weeks’ time, we will be holding our first ever Midwinter Christmas! As part of the proceedings, we’ll have speed dating, a barn dance, and even a bachelor slash bachelorette auction for those of you who are game to go on the block! Full details are still to be solidified, but please keep the save the date below somewhere it will remind you of what we’re all looking forward to!
Invitation: an ornate, christmas-themed border around hand-written text reading: “Don’t forget to scrub up nice and wear your best for the Last Resort Midwinter Christmas And Singles Night Barn Dance! Best couple and spot prizes, bring a plate!” A later addition reads “July 13th!”