A dirty and stained A4 sheet of paper, printed with purple images and text in a monospaced font, including crossed out spelling mistakes. A logo including a sun, with an ocean wave cresting inside it, in a shape vaguely reminiscent of a tongue ringed by sharp teeth. A large headline reading LAST RESORT NEWS REPORT with the tagline Where Else Would You Want To Go and the date July 17th, with the year obscured by a blotch.
First Column
Headline in all caps: Party Perils
Well, we certainly had an interesting time this saturday, didn’t we? I hope that everyone else’s hangover has cleared up. Please remember that our supplies of old-world headache medicine is still strictly limited to real emergencies, and no one has ever actually had eir head explode due to a hangover, we promise!
Those responsible for spiking the punch have been assigned appropriate punishment duties, starting with cleaning out Barn 3 and making it suitable for use once more. Those who engaged in other misbehaviour such as mid-winter skinny dipping are assumed to have had consequences enough, especially the several victims of slotter bites!
On a similar note, this week’s special in the cafeteria is slotter stew.
Headline in all caps: Love Is In The Air?
All that aside, we did have a fantastic evening, and several members of the community, including at least on one of the members of your friendly Social Committee (naming no names!) have apparently found romance, or at least the possibility thereof!
The speed dating helped a lot, and the skinny dipping probably didn’t hurt – nudity and danger are both well known as aphrodisiacs! But the real star of the night was probably the bachelor/ette auction, which asked those with a crush to put their money where their mouths were! Over 300 hours of extra labour was pledge over the next three months, and ten lucky couples have a fun date lined up for some time in the next two weeks!
Headline in all caps: Trade Success
Our community trading with the Otter Destruction has been very productive, and we hope your individual trading has been similarly satisfactory!
In exchange for three old-style cans of ethanol, three sacks of dried minimammoth meat, and two tall stacks of tanned furs, we received twenty fine crossbow prods from the Waiheke foundries and three barrels of good red wine!
The Otter Destruction will be returning again at the end of winter, just before things get busy again, so if there’s a trade you didn’t manage this time, get crafting! Based on our totally unscientific survey of everyone we could ask, the best bets are warm clothing, particularly knit scarves, good drinking alcohol, drugs such as aspirin and hashish – though be careful with the last one, trade directly with the crew and don’t mention it to the officers! – and foods such as spices and sugar. Small and portable is best!
A cartoon of a male and female couple immersed to their shoulders in water. The woman is smiling, while the man has a twisted expression. Behind them is a sleek predator with an evil grin. It is captioned “Oh, darling, nothing could ever ruin a night like thi-URGK!”