A dirty and stained A4 sheet of paper, printed with purple images and text in a monospaced font. A logo including a sun, with an ocean wave cresting inside it, in a shape vaguely reminiscent of a tongue ringed by sharp teeth. A large headline reading Last Resort News Report with the tagline Where Else Would You Want To Go? and the date June 3rd, with the year obscured by a brown splatter
Body text, headline in all caps: Aw, Poops!
Well, despite our best efforts at quarantine, it seems the Duchy’s diarrhoea has followed our sailors home. If you or a loved one are currently suffering from the dread ailment, don’t worry! Our medical team is on the case! Lots of water, boiled, cooled and sweetened with sugar and a little salt, seems to do the trick, and fortunately this year’s crop of sugar beets was a real bumper!
Our kitchen staff are following strict medical guidance, washing their hands thoroughly, wiping everything down with ethanol, and staying home if they feel even a little ill, so our food for the next couple of weeks might be a little less exciting than usual, but it should be 100% safe to eat, helping to contain the spread!
While this is ongoing, we’ve set up some temporary latrines along the cliff side. Each bucket is fitted with ropes for lowering it down the cliff and tipping it out once it’s near the surf. Don’t just throw it off the side! The wind is unpredictable this time of year, and the last thing you want is your carelessness coming
back to haunt you, fast! Wash up afterwards, soapy water, then a rub down with ethanol.
New column, headline in all caps: Toilet Break
While we’re dealing with this, if you’ll excuse us, crappy situation, the council have made the difficult decision to postpone all gatherings until everyone is feeling better. We don’t think there’s any risk of social transmission if we all wash our hands well, it’s just that a lot of people are going to miss out on the fun, and that doesn’t seem fair to us!
Another consideration is that we’re currently short-handed for a lot of our most necessary duties. If you feel healthy enough to attend a fireside singalong, we could really use your help on the watch towers! Musical instruments are optional, but encouraged – I know the gentle sounds of a nighttime protector with nothing to worry about is a comfort to me in the darkness!
Another area where we could use lots of help is in the laundry! Obviously the current situation is creating a heavier load than usual, and we need lots of hands to make sure all our blankets are clean, sterile, and in the hands of the people who need to stay warm right now!
It’s not a pleasant time right now, but we’ll pull through! Everyone has been doing really well so far, and Caleb says this is likely to burn out in a community as small as ours within a week or two! Kia kaha!