A dirty and stained A4 sheet of paper, printed with purple images and text in a monospaced font, including crossed out spelling mistakes. A logo including a sun, with an ocean wave cresting inside it, in a shape vaguely reminiscent of a tongue ringed by sharp teeth. A large headline reading Last Resort News Report with the tagline Where Else Would You Want To Go and the date January 15th, with the year obscured by a fruit juice stain.
First column, headline in all caps: Can We Do It?
Yes we can! The fruit harvest is starting to come in, and we’ve all been reaping the bounty, but we’re going to need that fruit all year, and that means canning! If you have any free time, the kitchens need lots of people chopping, de-seeding and so on. Also, any wide-mouthed glass or glazed ceramic vessels you have at home will be useful. Just think of the hot fruit crumble we’ll eat by the fire come winter!
Headline in all caps: Dry Summer
We hope most of you remember that we saw the new year in with a bang and a lot of style! But the doubt that all of you remember is a symptom of something we need to discuss and work on. Living the way we do means a lot of stress, and it’s totally understandable that a lot of us want to unwind with a tall glass of something strong – we on the social committee are no exception! But the last few resort parties have made it clear that we might be overdoing it a little. Eli, our master distiller, has spoken about this before, and he has now chosen to restrict access to alcohol on a case by case basis.
We want to make it really clear that this is coming out of a place of love and care, and that Eli is not just being a party pooper – he’s even told us that he’s just cracked how to make consistently good hash butter, and will be happy to provide that for parties so you can get precisely as high as you want to! With that in mind, we want to make (New column) sure you know that we’re here for you. If you genuinely feel like you need-need a drink, talk to Eli, or one of us – we’ve already told the scouts to keep an eye out for old-world techniques for dealing with that kind of dependence, and we’ll support you every step of the way!
Headline in all caps: Come Sail Away
While the net has been pulled up on the beach, swimming is a little too risky, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay out of the water!
Debbie’s been planning, preparing and practising for a while, and over the next couple of months, she’ll be running a sailing school!
The goal is to get all of us who are interested in sailing skilled enough to go out exploring, fishing, and maybe even trading! We’ve got the boats, after all, it’s time we got out and used them!
Obviously, for safety reasons, slots are limited, so sign up on the board in the dining hall. Debbie says each course should be two weeks long, and she’ll be taking eight people at a time, so by the end of the summer thirty-two of us should be proficient sailors!
Headline in all caps: Worm Warning
Final note, some breaking news: book worms have been found inside the resort! The infestation has been destroyed, but we don’t need to tell you how much of a disaster it could be if one got to our books undetected. If you see one, stomp first, then call for help to check for others!