A dirty and stained A4 sheet of paper, printed with purple images and text in a monospaced font, including crossed out spelling mistakes. A logo including a sun, with an ocean wave cresting inside it, in a shape vaguely reminiscent of a tongue ringed by sharp teeth. A large headline reading Last Resort News Report with the tagline Where Else Would You Want To Go and the date December 18th, with the year obscured by a wine stain.
First Column. Headline in all caps: Busy Bees
Forgive us if this isn’t the best-made report, but like all of you, we’ve been run off our feet preparing for the best day of the year! There’s an old phrase, “busy as a bee”, and we’re going to use that as a cheap segue right into business!
Alice has found a beehive! Though we know our ancestors kept bees like we keep horses, we haven’t found proper information on how, yet, and it seems a little dangerous to experiment. So for now, we’re just going to grab the honey and run! If you’re interested in a little risk and a lot of credit for bringing some sweetness to the feast, Alice will be leading an expedition to collect honey and wax on Friday!
Headline in all caps: From Honey To Hunting
If angering thousands of little stabby bugs isn’t your thing, perhaps you’d be interested in doing the stabbing yourself? The feast traditionally includes a few roast beasts, and in this weather, we can only hang meat for a week, maximum, so hunting parties will be leaving from the gates at dawn every morning! Spears provided, crossbows available on approved request. You know which meats you like best, you just have to find them! Though if someone would like to find a minimammoth or two, we on the social committee would be very grateful! It’s the right season for peryton, too, but given how rare they are and how fast they move, that might be asking a little much!
Second column, headline in all caps: Cheers!
With the coming of the season, Eli has told us that he is once again opening up his stocks of liquor! He’s asked us to remind you to drink responsibly, and notes that the raw alcohol available for various purposes has been being consumed at a higher rate ever since he closed his cabinet after the last big party. Alcohol is serious stuff, and if you find yourself really craving it, talk to Eli, he’s not going to judge and he might be able to help with your problem!
Headline in all caps: MERI KIRIHIMETE!
Finally, from all of us on the social committee, have a merry christmas! This year’s been hard, but we’ve achieved a lot, from starting the Report, to getting some boats, to closing off the beach for our own use, and most of all, we’v survived, and even thrived!
We know it’s not always easy living in a post-apocalyptic wilderness – it might even drive you to drink! – but our little community continues to stand strong against whatever comes at us, and keeps striving to make things better and carve out just a little more space for ourselves in the world our ancestors made.
We’ll see you all in the new year!